apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i came on her dog
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
