i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
