I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize