thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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