the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
