I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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