MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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