good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
