My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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