Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
