eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
