i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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