I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
