when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
