You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
