The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
