everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
