i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
