I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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