Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
