You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
