Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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