Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
