the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Come share oat with me in your robe
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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