I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
