cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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