im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
