True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
