dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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