Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize