New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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