So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
