i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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