dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
