this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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