if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize