Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
