I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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