how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
