I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
