Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
