Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
