There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
