Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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