got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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