so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
