Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
