i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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