I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
