dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
