Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
