you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
