im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
