remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
