Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
