I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize