If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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