i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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