The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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