yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
