I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
