I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
