I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
