nutella sex= disaster
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
