Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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