Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
