All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
