In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
