I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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