I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
