If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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