FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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